Vampires Aren’t Real
I know it’s hard to believe folks, but there was a time when vampires were actually something to fear. I know, I’m shocked too, considering how the twinkley skinned losers in Twilight are just the latest in a long campaign to overly romanticize the vampire menace. The myth of the vampire has actually existed as far back as ancient Babylonia and Sumeria, where people feared that spirit-creatures like the Lilu or the Akhkhar would rise in the night and feast on their women and children. There’s also many interpretations of many different works of folklore that vampire enthusiasts point to as evidence of their existence; there’s even those who go so far as to say that the bible makes mention of Jesus healing some bloodsuckers. However, we really aren’t concerned with these legends because people back then were…well…dumb. By our calculations, if you went back in time and wore a backpack filled with puppies, you’d be revered as some sort of “god of the dog birth” or something. Don’t get us wrong, the modern vampire myths are almost as ridiculous.
You see, back in the 18th century, people used to dig up graves any time something fishy happened because apparently it was easier to blame things on dead people than to actually think. Upon the unearthing of certain burial sites, they’d find corpses that hadn’t decomposed, still had blood running though their veins, had grown hair, and that apparently let out a “scream” when staked in the heart. People of course assumed that if the corpse had blood in it’s veins then it had escaped it’s tomb and feasted on the living. It seems that they were forgetting a few things…like the fact that they were burying people alive at a high enough clip that they had to create a system for “corpses” to alert cemetery staff that they weren’t actually dead (it involved a bell and a string). You see folks, there was a disease back then called catelepsy, that put people in a state that was awful similar to death…you can see where we’re going with this. They also didn’t realize that something in the soil was preventing air from getting into the coffins, thus stopping even the bodies that were actually dead from decomposing.
The vampires of old lore were scary and gross; they roamed forests, and flat out ate people sometimes. The vampire we all know and used to fear is a little different; it’s is one that rises from the dead to suck the blood of the living (with it’s trademark fangs), turns others into vampires with it’s bite (or in some legends, by making the victim drink it’s blood), sleeps in the day (the sunlight will kill it), can be killed with a stake through the heart (or burned or decapitated; depends on the legend), can turn into a bat (or wolf or dog) and hates crosses and garlic. In more modern times, books like Bram Stoker’s Dracula (supposedly based partially on Vlad Dracula III, or “Vlad The Impaler”) began to paint vampires as suave and sophisticated fellas who view their vampirism as a curse, and really just want to be loved…blergh. We all know what’s happened since, as vampires have, over the years, become more and more handsome, and less and less terrifying.
Here’s the truth folks, there is nothing mysterious about vampires, they flat out don’t exist. They’re merely a bunch of misconceptions and mistakes rolled up into one fang-toothed myth. Besides, if they were real, don’t you think they would’ve capitalized on all those Twilight royalties by now?